reapertoire | KILL LOG; ICHIGO

...Mary...

['For the Players she loves', huh. His own mind flashes to her partner, Lenka - someone who he considers close, and one of the few none Reapers he allowed himself to get close to.

...If he had to kill for Lenka's sake...

At her urging, he does lay down - only because he doesn't know what else to do, and the pain is - making it hard to think. He can't hurt her, he doesn't want to see her upset - and he'd been prepared to die for her sake, wasn't he?

He just never thought he'd die at her hands.

But...it was alright if he died, wasn't it? There was still Makoto left for Akira to partner with - he wasn't needed, in the long run.

Still, he...didn't want to die. And like this, she didn't cut deep enough - it would be a long time full of pain, as he slowly bled out.

...

Maybe he deserved it for everything he's done in his home Games.]

...Who did - ngh - you make this choice...for...?

[There's pain in his eyes, hurt at the betrayal, tears spilling over - but there's also a terrible desperateness to understand.]

[Mary shushes him in soft tones as he lays down by the coin machines, helping him as best as she can. She sits down at his side, reluctant to move away, reluctant to move her hands from his.]

It's okay...you don't have to try too hard to talk. It hurts, doesn't it?

[Even just saying it hurts seems to set in the realization that yes, she is, she's causing him so much extended pain, and her eyes start to water again, her face twisting. Mary lays her head down against Ichigo's chest.]

It was really important to Shinshin that I do this...that I do this for him. Please don't be mad at me, please don't hate me.

[She feels her throat constrict.]

I didn't want this.

[The moment he hears that name, a wave of rage floods through him. Assassin. Of course he'd put her up to this, after turning down his honest request to fight, the anger showing past his pain and despair.

But it fades, because - as much as he hates Assassin for doing this, Mary is in front of him now, and he's not mad at her.

He could never be mad at her.]

I don't - Hate you -

[Already, he's starting to feel cold - she's knicked every major organ in there, and he's bleeding out at a decent rate. It won't be long until he starts shivering, and as she lays her head on his chest, she can probably hear his heart begin to speed up.]

I hate...that he made you...choose this.

[He can't lie to himself and say that it doesn't hurt, to know that she chose Assassin over him - especially not when he's tried to be there, always accepted her, despite his distance...

...Then again, it was probably his distance, his attempts to keep away from other people that landed him like this.

He makes a noise inbetween a sob and a laugh, shakily raising a bloodstained hand to cover his eyes.]

I knew...I'd eventually die. I wanted it...for a long time, you know? Before this Game.

[He's actually laughing now, despairingly, though the pain and anguish, a horrible, broken sound.]

It's...what I deserve, isn't it? To be killed by...someone I trusted...right when I actually wanted to live.

You don't deserve that, Ichigo. You deserve to live with all the people that make you happy. That's what I want for you, too.

[She moves her arms around him so she's embracing him, turning her face so her forehead presses into his chest. She can feel his blood soak into her clothes and slide against her skin but she doesn't care. It's warm, for now.]

I want to spend every last minute with you for as long as I can. I want, I want...

[Her body wracks as she holds back an onslaught of fresh tears. She can't stop crying but she doesn't want to sob, doesn't want to lose the sound of his voice over her self-loathing.]

I want to bring everyone back. I'm going to keep helping all of them, I promise. I'm going to make sure that at least one reaper makes it to the end, so you don't have to stay erased for very long, okay? Please trust me...even if I don't deserve your trust anymore.

[His hollow laughter slowly dies down, and for a lone moment he's silent, almost like he's died right there and then.

When he speaks again, it's...slow. Soft.]

...I believe you.

[Lifting his arm from his eyes, he reaches out to gently touch the back of her head, still trembling from the pain.]

But...you know what Assassin wants, don't...you? That he...wants Akira gone. And that - we don't...have a lot of time left...it'll just be Undine...she can't...do it al...one...

[It's getting harder to talk - the pain is overwhelming him, making it hard to think or do much more beyond lie down and try to suffer it out.

This is his punishment. It has to be, isn't it? For everything - for not trying harder, for all the lives he's taken, for failing everyone back home, for being unable to protect them -

He finally lets himself sob, openly and brokenly, even as he slowly allows himself to die for the sake of someone else.]

...I...don't want....to go there. I don't. Not to - the crystal, I -

[Not to that living death, the only other option he'd been given when he first became a reaper - an eternity locked away, unable to move or speak. Even now, he's terrified, because he doesn't know if he'll wake up there, due to his whole situation.

He'll find out soon, and that scares him the most.]

[Mary moves her body upward so she can cradle his head in her arms, laying a kiss on his temple.]

I love you.

[She wishes she didn't. It would be easier if she didn't. Or if she loved him but hadn't loved Assassin just a touch more desperately. Ichigo's been like a brother to her and Assassin a father, but that's just it: a father's approval is what she's craved her whole life. It's worth ruining everything she has for, no matter how much it feels like she's setting fire to herself.]

I love you, I love you, I love you.

[Mary doesn't know how to comfort him. She's afraid of dying, too, and she doesn't know just how deep his fears lie. All she can do is give him the most of herself that she can, and hope that it numbs that fear just a bit.]

[Those words -

He doesn't know how to feel about them. A part of him wants to scream that if she loves him, she wouldn't be doing this, that she wouldn't be killing him for assassin of all people, when the man turned down his own request to fight -

But everything else says that it's right he should die like this, that his life ends at the hands of someone he trusted, someone he wanted to protect, because he's worthless at protecting at all, he has no worth, just a hollow shell of someone who died a long, long time ago -

So he just cries for a long time, letting himself shed all the tears he's afraid he'll never be able to shed again, the fear and pain and utter agony swirling together until they're mixed so tightly together that he'll never be able to separate them, ever again.

...And little by little, it leaves him - along with his blood, with his life, until he finally stops crying and all that's left is -

A calm, gentle acceptance, even as his body shakes and begins to grow colder and his heart speeds up, his breath coming in shallow gasps, and he knows -

Soon, he'll be gone.]

....I don't...blame...you. I never....could. Mary...

Ichigo...Ichigo...!

[She only holds onto him more tightly, despair hitting her heart, the heart she never thought she had, the heart that she almost wishes she didn't have at all. This is wrong. This isn't what she wanted. It's too late to take it back now but she shakes and cries against him, inconsolable as he does exactly what she hoped he would do: die quietly.]

No, no, no...I want more time. I want longer, I'm not ready for you to be gone yet! Why did you have to love Akira? Why did Akira have to help Junko kill Eleanor? We shouldn't be here, we were going to be...we were going to...!

[But this is the bed that she made for herself. Maybe this isn't a hard choice at all but a blatant, terrible mistake. But you can't erase your mistakes: you can only live in their wake.]

Hey...

[There are no more tears, no more fears. The pain is starting to fade, his breaths are getting shallower and shallower, he's so pale -

And yet, he still lives, forcing himself to move just a little longer for her sake - stroking the back of her head like he has like always, a gentle, sad smile coming to his lips.]

Shh...it'll...be alright...Mary...

[All his pain, all his hurt - it's gone. Faded away with his blood, a deep peace settling onto his body, into his mind.

It's a comfort he hasn't had in what seems like years, this total and utter peace, this deep stillness.

It's strange, not being in fear or pain as he dies. And maybe...it's not so bad.

But Mary is crying, vibrant and alive and covered in his blood, and...he wants...more time.

Time he doesn't have.

Just like always.]

Remember....what I said...about...the heart...?

There's...a heart...between you....and me...And...I'm leaving...it with...you...Okay...?

Take...good care...of it...And....I'll always....be with you...right there...

...I'm sorry....I'm leaving....you behind....forgive me....?

But I'm the one who...who...

[It was so warm here just a moment ago, or at least, it feels like just a moment. How long as it been? How long can she ask for? How much time is left in this life of hers? How much can she get out of an eternity of pain and loss? And why does she keep making it worse and worse?

The questions that swim in her brain wash out of her in tears, leaving her before she can hold onto them to figure out the answers.]

Wait for me to bring you back! I'll bring you back! It's a promise, so...

[Her hand reaches for his, searching to tangle their pinkies together and seal the thought, bind her to her word.]

[He can barely move his hand when she reaches for him, even the trembling having stopped by now. His heart is barely moving anymore, darkness encroaching his vision, but he still, still clings to what little life he has left to smile gently at her, moving his pinky just enough to be a proper pinky promise.]

It's....a promise...

[She's fading, turning into a blur of gold and red and two spots of blue in the middle of her face, unable to see her expression, her voice sounding so far away.]

...If....you break it........you'll have.....to swallow.....a thousand....needles.....

[His voice gets fainter, eyes dropping half-closed.

The last thoughts he has is apologies - to Mary, to Undine, Alex, Lenka...Akira...so sorry that he can't help them anymore, can't be there for them for the last weeks they have left in this game.

And he prays - to whoever watches, to whoever's willing to listen to someone as steeped in sin and blood as he is - that this will all have a happy ending.

Even if he's the only one who's left out from it, then...that's alright.

Please...that's all I want.]

...Don't...for...get...it...

[ah-

He stops breathing.
His heart stops moving.
His hand goes limp in hers.

He's gone.]

Edited 2018-04-12 05:49 (UTC)

[If her hand was stronger, it could have held his forever. But it falls, dead and heavy, back to the ground. There's nothing there. Mary lays against him in silence, and waits for him to say something, but the silence and the cold stretches on, longer and slower and heavier. Wiping her eyes with a trembling hand, Mary sits up to look down at him, searching his face.]

Ichigo?

Hey...wake up. Wake up, okay?

[She cups his face in her hands. Her eyes dart over his cold, lifeless features, the look on his eyes far-away and unseeing. Mary...starts to laugh. It's a hiccup, first, a bubble of latent hysteria that emboldens itself into a roar of giggling.]

Aha...hahaha! It's okay! It's okay! Stop joking! There's no way I actually could have...not all by myself! It couldn't be so easy, because you're so strong and so lovely and so good, you know? Hey, say something! Ichigo, smile! Smile at me! SmILe aT Me!

[Her fingers reach his lips and press them into a thin mockery of a smile, but it's no good. It's wrong. It's not him. He's not here with her anymore.]

Edited 2018-04-12 06:05 (UTC)

[Mary lets go of him. She stares down at his pale face, grabs at her hair, reels back, and screams.]

AaAAaaAaaAaAAAAaaaAAAUGH!!!!

[With no one there yet to see, Mary's wings spread out from her back, shadowing the two of them. Ichigo Kurosaki had been erased by a Reaper.]

KILL LOG; ICHIGO

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